On that note, the question rolls around: what have I done with my life? I'm I holding up to that idea to live my life in a spontaneous, no-regrets way or am I just talking nice to make myself feel better? Honestly, I've been wondering about that lately in a bout of what my mother likes to refer as "the female obsession with chronic, unwarranted self-doubt." And you know what, I think she's got it right about the "unwarranted" part, because looking back - although it's been a quiet year without my usual half-ton of trips etc - I think I accomplished quite a bit, actually.
I finally finished writing the book that's been kinda sorta on hold since I finished the first draft in 2007 and not only did I revamp it entirely and take a huge leap in reconceptualizing the whole thing, I also really got myself back into the swing of writing, employing tons of things that I've learned in the meantime. Sure, it needs a ton of editing, but I feel like things are finally heading into the right direction. Hey, only took me like four years to get there ;)
Also, I started to write a second book, a book that's a bit our there, a book that challenged me to genre-bend and doubtlessly a book that's totally in the beginning stages of things. But it's a good book. Or will be. Maybe. Probably. I won Nanowrimo with it, also for the first time since 2007 and more than that my head is actually once again full of ideas. Which is something that should come natural to every writer, but for me for whatever reason, this one has kind of been the tough part, the part where I felt like a total hack, with only that One Idea prevalent in my mind, but nothing else. But now we have soon-to-be-awesome Urban Fantasy (aka the Nanowrimo book) and a steampunk meets Firefly with vampires idea that yet needs to be started, but will be awesome. So yeah, I guess on top of writing a bit more than one and a half novels this year, I also found my muse again and if anything that's even more important than finishing drafts.
That's it for the writing-related site, but what about me personally? Let's see.
- I immigrated. Or rather, I managed to get through all the chaos of paperwork and emotional trauma, let alone come up with the finances to make sure that I'm now a permanent holder of what I like to refer to as my Magic Ticket (y'know, one of those shiny green cards that say, no, we won't kick you out of our country again ;) And yes, I did manage to get there without a lawyer. Go me ;)
- I realized that home isn't really home anymore. Now that may sound negative, given how I went back home to Germany and actually found myself missing my home here in U.S. and it's not saying that I don't miss my family and friends over there, but in the end, I realized that I'm just not the same person who left Germany back in 2007 anymore and maybe that's a good thing. I may not have stopped trying to find my place yet, in fact, I'm probably still wandering about, fumbling in the dark, but while I'm doing so, I also would never want to have missed all the things that come along with it, least of all the feeling that what I'm doing I'm really doing by and for myself. What can I say, independence is shiny ;)
- I finally got around to changing my name back to my maiden name (again, braving paperwork and lots of frustration, but hey, it's done :))
- I got my GPA up to 4.0 (yeah, I'm a nerd and proud of it, so sue me :p)
- I read 115 books so far (and counting. The year isn't over yet, guys ;))
And most important of all, I think I finally seem to have figured out what's me, or more importantly what's so not me. On top of the writing, the reading and generally being an unrepentant nerd, I finally learned that I'm perfectly okay by myself, that I'm not necessarily the relationship type (or rather, that I finally developed standards). Also, that partners come and go, but it's friends that last, it's friends who will pull me out of my occasional emotional ditches and that's something pretty damn priceless in my opinion.
So yeah, on the bottom line, I think the best thing I learned this year is to be myself and do my own thing and that quirks and occasional weirdness is what makes things all the more awesome.
Thinking about my friend, I actually had this really weird, surreal dream back when I'd first moved to the U.S. in which, for whatever reason we were both talking about things that were going on in our lives and how much had changed over the years. Now I don't exactly remember the details of it all, but in the end it pretty much boiled down to "Whatever you do, do it well."
Not sure if I'm entirely successful at that yet, but all things considered, I think I'm heading into the right direction.
/end personal sappy rant
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